The first attempts to start over in a relationship after a breakup can be very different and are mainly related to the reason for this very breakup and how exactly it happened. Psychologist Ekaterina Sigitova tells where to start if you decide to be together again, what to avoid, and what to pay special attention to.
Be attentive and careful
It is possible that a “second wave of love” is even more powerful than the love of the first months of dating! So, first of all, you should make sure that you are not swirling in an emotional whirlwind too much, so that both of you would not commit rash acts that you can later regret. This, for example, may be the conception of another child or a new joint business – such ideas in such a period are not the best choice, and it would be wiser to wait for a more stable phase in the relationship.
This does not mean that the “tidal wave” of passion and excitement should be completely ignored. Of course, enjoy – it’s very nice, but both keep your finger on the pulse.
Take care of yourself
The remaining resentment, trauma, anger and anger at the former partner is, on the one hand, quite normal, because both of you had to go through a lot. But, if these old wounds are not in a hurry to turn into scars, but interfere with you, if they, like ghosts, constantly loom in everyday situations, if they continue to hurt and even cause a desire to take revenge, you should take this seriously and take care of your psychological state. The two of you can go to a family counselor or try individual therapy for the spouse who feels that everything is not yet over.
Do not remember the break itself
The temptation to reproach your spouse with the fact that you had to endure a breakup because of him is very great, especially in moments of quarrels (and there will certainly be, because the reunion of a couple is not a magic pill for all past problems). But this should be avoided if possible. Firstly, the partner also experienced a lot. It is not so important who exactly was the initiator of the breakup and why everything happened that way – in the end, both suffered, and both also deserve sympathy. Secondly, and most importantly, the abuse of such reproaches can lead to the fact that both you and your husband will regret your decision to get back together.
So, if your memories of the separation period itself and its cause still hurt you, treat them more carefully: think it over on your own or “take it” to a friend or friend, mother, specialist. But don’t blame your partner.
Focus on the good things in your relationship
Western family consultants believe that even if such a good thing was not enough, for example, no more than 10%, it is still a very worthy basis for further changes. But surely there was much more good in your pair! Try to remember this: about how you met, how you liked each other and why you fell in love, where you went, how you fooled around, and how many sweet and touching moments there were in your life together. Do not forget to remember what is in your partner, his personal qualities for which you chose him!
It’s great if such memories are shared: for example, arrange an exchange of memories in the evening over a glass of wine. All this may well be the cement for the relationship, which will help to treat this new attempt with a positive attitude, and keep you together.
Thank each other
Gratitude is a very pleasant and tender feeling. It has the power to heal many wounds, both yours and your loved one’s. Say “thank you” more often, because there are, in fact, a lot of reasons for this: for the fact that he is so attentive to you, for being with you, for his participation in your affairs, for love and care, for patience and understanding. Yes, just because you have it.
Create new shared memories
Sharing experiences is very important for any relationship. In a couple reunited after a breakup, part of this shared experience, unfortunately, has taken on a negative connotation. That is why you, like air, need new positive impressions. The dark colors of the past are desirable to be “covered” with more joyful and lighter shades of the present. For this, trips to new places, a new joint hobby, training courses, and some new projects are suitable. Spend more time with your children, come up with something interesting and enjoyable that you haven’t had in your life before. Expand your “library of impressions”!
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Review agreements
To revise means, firstly, to take an inventory: is it really relevant today what you agreed on and what was implied at the very beginning of the relationship? Perhaps your roles or family composition have changed. Perhaps you yourself have changed a lot, and now you need something completely different from your partner. Perhaps parting taught you something, and now you need to say new wishes and expectations.
Draw the right conclusions
The fact that you decided to be together again does not mean that all the problems and roughness that were in the relationship have disappeared on their own or now you just need to forget about them.
On the contrary, here it is better to use a different tactic: use your breakup and reunion as a “reset point”. Think about what did not suit you before, what caused you (perhaps) to separate: in a relationship, in yourself, in a partner, in various joint situations. Draw conclusions from this: something must be corrected, because it is impossible to endure and do not want to, and some things will obviously not change, so you have to learn to treat it differently or just accept it as it is. Offer to do the same “work on the mistakes” and a newly acquired partner. It will be very helpful for both of you!
Apologize and admit your mistakes
This point follows directly from the previous one: the fact is that even if one person decided to break off relations and it is mainly someone else who is to blame for this, there is always a contribution of both to common problems. This contribution can be different, and it can be difficult to acknowledge it out loud, in front of a partner. But sincere apologies and a willingness to work on your mistakes are very important. This is the balm that is simply necessary for two wounded hearts. Let each other feel that despite what you hurt, you are sorry about it and are ready to change.
Make plans for the future
It’s not just about which summer camp the kids will go to or which refrigerator to choose, but what you both want to see in your future together, and what would be better to avoid? How can you both improve your relationship? How do you plan to move forward and in what direction? Discuss.
Talk and listen
This is very commonplace advice, but just as commonplace, many couples continue to ignore it. Meanwhile, this is the psychotherapeutic function of relationships – the ability to share with a partner your feelings about what is happening between you, and give each other verbal feedback. This is the very “glue” that gives people the ability to cope with crises, with shocks, with the usual daily routine. You can definitely avoid a lot of problems if you periodically talk – honestly, sincerely, heart to heart.
In general, all these recommendations describe one simple thing: people do not choose each other by chance. And if you have already been together for some (perhaps a very long) time, then your partner and your relationship are already worth it to make every effort to restore them.
Let everything work out!
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